Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
