bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
