i love accidental penises.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
