nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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