i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
