Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
