you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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