last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
