my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This baby is an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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