I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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