Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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