did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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