I swear god or herbie drove my car home
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
