hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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