Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
