Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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