Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
