I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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