I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
