Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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