Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
