You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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