I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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