After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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