Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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