I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize