I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
