oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
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beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
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Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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