when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
