worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
