Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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