That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
