i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
