i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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