Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
