I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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