I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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