I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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