So drunk its hurt
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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