So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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