if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
