I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
