Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize