Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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