just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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