omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
