I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
