so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
