I wish my penis had an off switch
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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