I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
