We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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