i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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