I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
