Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
