She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
