Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
the liver wants what the liver wants
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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