If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I want a musical about memes.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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