mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I faked an abortion last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
